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NSFW: It’s Meltdown Time — Maybe Mario Cristobal & Mel Tucker weren’t worth $100 million after all?

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Photo by Michael Reaves/Getty Images

Your weekly dose of reveling in the misery of others!

It wasn’t a weekend filled with upsets — certainly not like last week. But there was a whole lot of ass served up in a dirty ashtray on Saturday. Coordinators and quarterbacks bore the brunt this week.

From Miami and Texas Tech’s lack of an offense, to BYU and Sparty’s lack of a defense, to Bobby Petrino even making a surprisingly scary trip to Fayetteville, where he led the Piggies by three scores after one quarter. And Nebraska. The endless pain of Nebraska. Meanwhile, folks in Lansing and Coral Gables are starting to wonder if guys like Mario Cristobal and Mel Tucker were really worth a hundred million dollars.

On with the show.

Standing Warning: The Meltdown frequently features naughty language and imagery that is offensive, that is beyond the pale, that is replete with -isms and -ists and -phobias, or other displays of inhumanity that is NSFW.

SPARTY, NOOO!

My dog is mocking me come on guys this is embarrassing me in front of my family

At least our special teams also look terrible

We are small and fast. We are a Mountain West offense with P5 athletes

Okay rage texting this thread isn’t healthy….Scotty Hazelton is a drunk dwarf who sucks at life I’m out

They are sucking Penix off in the booth

More like suck coming, amirite

I have enough disappointment in my life being a Carolina Panthers fan for the love of GOD dont do this to me MSU you were the one bright spot of my weekends.

Little known fact, Penix is also the word for a gangbang involving ten or more men.

In 2013 we used to have teams score on the first drive then shut them out the rest of the game, maybe we’ll be reminiscent of that

We look like Nebraska. This sucks.

What kind of defense is that? Fuck B12 cover zero

Please run the ball against us, please keep running it, please, please

Goal line stand just to give up a safety. What a joke.

Dantonio made lemonade with lemons and won rose bowls and went to NC playoffs with the same talent Texas Tech gets. Again, why we talking about a legendary coach like he wasn’t that good? Is this the new Tuck cope?

I am officially off the Tuck train. This is garbage.

Tonight did not go as planned pic.twitter.com/cDA2AxKbLl

— Dot (@PlayboiSparty) September 18, 2022

A bowl game is a successful season with this travesty of a defense. I can only find 3 more *potential wins though. Yuck.

FML. Time to go to the wedding, at least I can get super drunk

Ass handing appears underway

Next week let’s try playing defense. I think it will help

Our secondary looked highly fraudulent last year but this is even worse. Our DBs covered less than an aspiring Instagram model willing to do anything to be the next Kardashian.

This is all going to make the comeback that much more glorious

The team looks totally uninspired and are cool as a Hindu cow on the sideline. This team is poorly coached. Zero sense of urgency and a total lack of concern.

when does basketball season start?

This new comment system sucks balls

This is why Izzo doesn’t play zone defense. No one is accountable in zone.

The only sanity I have left is to repeat that we still have a half

Tuck not comin, the only thing comin is penix

Hopefully this was a ‘just the tip’ game.

No doubt about it; Penix has been hard on Michigan State.

hey when are these guys going to start randomly fumbling like akron did?

Iowa is shocked and appalled.

They do this EVERY TIME!! they get ranked 15 or higher!! No matter who the coach or QB!! E V E R Y T I M E !

The defense should have to take the mega bus home.

I’m surprised Washington players didn’t dump Gatorade in Scottie Hazelton after that flawless defense

I feel like half of the broadcast is zooming in on sad fans with upbeat music playing before commercial and the other half is Penix jokes

That’s the key, fall down and it confuses them

If Mel Tucker had any respect for himself or the program Scottie Hazelton and Harlon Barnett would be fired right now

at least our special teams also look terrible

Nah man our defense blows…it has since Tucker was hired. He’s paid 9.5M a year and has the worst defense in college football. We didn’t overlook UW. Your coach just put our DC in a body bag and beat the hell out of him like every competent offensive mind does.

Well. At least our coach drives a Ferrari. I am off to bed.

This is the worst defensive team in the history of CFB, 9.1 yards per play FML! It’s like 7 on 7 out there

Grose is the worst safety in college football

West coast men are the ugliest in the country

Mel Tucker might have committed the biggest robbery of the decade

We’re going to have a “matchup problem” every game of the season if we’re the worst secondary in the country AGAIN

Michigan State doesn’t have an identity right now. Hard to say if they’ll have one all season. The defensive backfield is still horrid. Could be another worst in country pass defense. Mel Tucker doesn’t know what he wants to do. This team isn’t just confusing, they’re lost.

When Michigan State loses under Mel Tucker, it LOSES. Nothing subtle.

If UW posses a match up problem – we’re in deep shit. 9 million dollar man needs this fixed now. His staff showed their asses tonight

Please put Hazelton on a boat and make him sail home unemployed, thanks.

We put compression shorts on and slept and extra hour only to put up 12 yards the first half wtf?

Oh a 3rd and 7? I know let’s sag 10 yards in our coverage and wait to tackle after the catch is made!

Let Dantonio take over the 2nd half. I saw him creeping on the sidelines

MSU boutta go into “don’t care if we lose every game as long as we beat Michigan” mode. It’s the default setting

I do not like this man deboer.
his offense gets men open all over.
christ, they’re torching mel tucker.
this guy can coach, shit. mother fucker.
please god, daddy progrum I need,
for you to please beat them for me.

Washington has not punted ONCE this game. I hope Mel Tucker cans Hazleton the second this game is over.

Our secondary may be the worst in D-1 football for the 2nd straight year and Mel Tucker’s coaching resume sweet spot is defensive backs.

At halftime, Mel Tucker will use his incredible swagger combined with a healthy dose of cool cars and cigars to will the team to victory

Has anyone ever had the worst pass defense in the nation twice in a row or is that Hazelton’s goal?

Choking on a Large Purple Penix

ay yo let me get some snaps in the secondary

The only thing worse than the Spartan secondary is RG3s four repetitive catch phrases

Now I gotta see the fucking Seattle neckbeards be happy too? FML

Every team that has a QB that can throw 10 yard passes can exploit this scheme.

How much can I pay these refs to give us the game?

You fucking suck. Next time, consider preparing. This team has no heart, is soft, and lacks talent. Shut the fuck up. Stop a fucking pass. Pathetic.

Still hideous. MSU secondary is an embarrassment to the game of football today

Fucking hell, take some sports journalism kids and throw em in the secondary, maybe they could do better

“The resume is on the tape. Right now, I’m a horseshit football coach.” -Mel Tucker

On the flight back, instead of compression socks, it will be depression socks.

If we lose Ima just eat a seafood boil from autozone, just end it all

ALL ABOUT DA’ U

Tvd looking for a receiver this year pic.twitter.com/XKD8Utak8p

— FFball Szn! (@Jdiaz1013John) September 18, 2022

Fuck Jimbo. Fuck that lame ass TAMU school and their corny cultlike traditions. Fuck all them ugly girls in the stands too. Never saw one higher than a 6.5 the whole night. Fuck a half-dozen horse collar penalties that were never called. Fuck a Gattis boring-ass play book. Fuck a red zone QB keep.

Send all our receivers to the moon

Why do the WRs hate us?

One of the worst most disappointing losses which is saying a lot after the last couple years. AM had no business winning that game at all. Pussy ass play calling, no fucking receivers after the o line and defense balled out

I guess we will never be up with the likes of Georgia Ohio State or Alabama no matter who’s coaching. It’s very depressing that might never see Miami in another championship game

But hey at least when we beat MIDDLE TENNESSEE ST we can feel like champs

Welcome to the Cristobal era. Duck fans warned us. The dude can’t coach.

And please keep banging on my balls they are the size of acorns now.

I don’t want Mario gone. I want Mario to get his head out of 1992 and find an O that can get in the end zone.

We’re still alive in the Coastal!!!!!! And we don’t need to start doing calculus for at least four weeks.

Miami not committed to winning

I’ll admit, I didn’t watch a ton of Oregon football, but has Mario Cristobal always been spineless?

Florida Gulf Coast University going to feast off Mario’s weak aşş recruiting vibes

Frenk is really Mexican Shalala and head of secret cabal* to keep Miami down

Mario was Miami’s 27th choice for HC after 26th choice Ron Zook turned Hecht down

Are they stabbing each other with knives at practice or what ? How is everyone hurt

Blake James resigned from Miami because “I will not be forced to carry that cuck beta little bïtch Mario as Football HC. I’m a savage and will only work with other savages.”

just like assless chaps…

Not Mario Cristobal being exposed as a fraud pic.twitter.com/VmHAgHdaGv

— Tom Brady Stan Account (@madridistanole) September 18, 2022

How’d you lose to the team that lost to a Sun Belt team

I still say this running the play clock down under 5 seconds every fucking play making everything seem rushed isn’t the answer…..TVD seems to work better with tempo.

Everyone could see their DBs were gassed and yet we gave them 35 seconds to catch their breath after every play.

I hope Gattis changes this running up to the line only to stop and look to the sidelines until there’s 6-8 seconds left then rush and try and get a play off…shit is stupid

Oregon fans told us all offseason what the offense would be and how Mario shrinks in these big games. We should have listened.

Well at least I can say I am use to it. Same sing, different coach. Looked like Manny’s team all night: questionable play calling, penalties, dropped passes, bad tackling! Sickening!!

Let me make it simple. We shit the bed in another big game. Only this time it isn’t a good team it is a mediocre 8 and 4 team run by a stooge.

paid 100 mill for this guy?!??! Now I understand why ducks were ok with moving on from him. God awful!!

Get Gattis and TVD outta here, just terrible.

Tvd looking for a receiver this year pic.twitter.com/XKD8Utak8p

— FFball Szn! (@Jdiaz1013John) September 18, 2022

We dropped more passes then DJ Magic Mike dropped Bass!!

Even our kicker is a fraud

Honestly the worst game I’ve seen from Miami in a very long time
> You must be new then

feels like we are getting our ass kicked so this score is a win.

lost this game when the fucking idiot fielded that punt at 3-3… you change coaches but can’t change the type of idiots to at play for this program. Unreal

Well, another year, another coach, same hype, same result. Still MILES away from Miami being back. Ugly game

The entire team should have to walk home. A&M had a third string secondary for most of the game and the offense still could not take advantage. This looks like a 4 loss team that will be playing in the whocares bowl in mid December.

He’s our problem now

If A&M needs some DBs, we got plenty playing WR for us.

Somebody better be in Gattis office tomorrow am with our red zone footage and demand some mother [email protected]@king answers.

Could be worse but holy shit we are SO ASS

Fucking defense is ass

Quarter bacc ass

This team can only get better, the long snapper played great and the kickoff coverage was tremendous. We need to look at the bright side. So what if our playcalling, WR, QB, TE and OL sucked, they’ll be better in 6-8 games from now. Let’s stay positive!

We don’t have enough guys with long hair and gold teeth

New Head Coach✔️
New Offense Co-ord✔️
New Def Co-ord✔️
Highly rated QB✔️
Billionaire backer✔️
Result — same old same old
Been a ‘Cane fan over 60 years & I ain’t quittin’ now
But I’m gettin’ way too old to keep lookin’ to
“NEXT YEAR”

— Ralph Kern (Anglicized Ceithearn) (@7wolfman_kern) September 18, 2022

CORN!

Nebraska football pic.twitter.com/vjkGNWuq33

— Christopher Heady (@heady_chris) September 17, 2022

Urban picking Nebraska because he wants the job.

If they pull this off I’m never shaving or washing my socks again.

OK, now for a new trick – resilience.

This is the saddest fucking shit I have seen in my life.

Casey Thompson looks about as mobile as Payton Manning

My fellow Nebraska fans, it’s a sad period for husker football, my whole life I’ve been a husker fan, i’ll always be a husker fan. But let’s not kid ourselves, soon there will be cobwebs at Memorial Stadium, we won’t even be able to hear the echo of the game, It’s over with

Well let’s see. O-line, shit. D-line, shit. Special teams, shit. We got em on the run!

These bums fucking suck worst oline I’ve seen in last 30 years

Could you just imagine for a moment if boy blunder were still on the sideline?

There’s a positive – the first quarter is over at 14-7. so the folks NOT watching around the country will see that and think we’re in it.

Ok only took a quarter to get my fuck this attitude back.

I would offer Urban my wife to give him a shitty lap dance at this point to stop this embarrassment.

Well, around cfb, UGA has an oline that gives you 15 seconds to pass. UM is looking really good and fuck life.

Fire Mickey Joseph!

Oh dear god….is this Nebraska football now, Mickey?

Scott Frost wasn’t the problem.

At least frost was able to pull them up and we were competitive. We lost a lot be 3/7 but we were competing and the games were fun to watch

That coaching change really did the trick.

Hey, at least we aren’t all angsty over a one-score game?

OU should try an onside kick

My mom went to todays game and my dog died while she wasn’t home. I blame this on you.

I’m pickling some jalapenos today. The Huskers are giving me a head start on that ‘getting your ass burned’ feeling

pic.twitter.com/7PacSdfAEz

— Blake Johnson (@blakej1983) September 17, 2022

My God, every position sucks. Got a favorite suck?

Looking BLM AF! Fires Scott and replaces him with affirmative action and now you are getting your asses handed to you! I am sure if you replace the remaining Whites in the program you’ll start winning games again!

All starters with numbers 0-9 should be benched.

If you’re working on fundamentals 4 weeks into the season at D1 level that’s a big mess.

We literally did not practice tackling for 4 years.

Handing out scholarships to horse collar tacklers is like giving an academic scholarship to someone who can’t add and subtract

Those fans that can’t stand Urban will be naming their kids after him when we do some beating down for a change.

I find dumpsters outside grocery stores, less offensive. Then again, that is where I eat. Just saying!

If you’re still in Memorial Stadium, you’re not a real fan. Get up and leave that shit show, or do you not care!!

The lap dance girl would block better than our oline..there I said what we were all thinking.

So anyone want to burn some tires out by the old railyard?

Can the sellout streak die now?

Seriously…. hate having to see my older family members see this sad crap

Never again… I am never, ever doing this. I am never getting my hopes up again… until the next game.

We need to look into which shaman Solich went to after getting fired.

OU ain’t all that…fewer yards than Georgia Southern!

I have been on the record books about this, football is a stupid, stupid, stupid, moronic game, and it should be outlawed!

Focus on volley ball.

pls do good today my grandpa cant handle another close loss
>I have good news. A close loss is very very unlikely.

Frost must have been a great coach, to have these guys playing within a score of everyone. Discuss.

Everything USC offered to Lincoln Riley, add about 5 million more a year and offer it to Urban Meyer

I think we’re going to have to come to terms with the fact that we’re extremely unlikely to be an Alabama caliber program ever again.

I love dreaming like this. It’s a fun couple of seconds out of reality of the worst Husker era of all time that I am so lucky to live through

PIGGIES

I love watching these high school football games. It’s crazy how they put these high schoolers on tv these days. But anyways good game to these kids. Not the best high school teams I’ve seen but not the worst either!

Briles called up Nutt to get advice on fourth down.

I honestly don’t think we’ll ever be past this kind of crap.

This will be the worst loss in program history and the worst loss in CFB history

Chad Morris looking team

So I was wrong. Guess we suck

Guess the Hogs were smelling the own nuts this week.

This could be a program killing loss. You don’t lose to an FCS team and magically right the ship. A lot on the line over the next 15 minutes.

ITS THE FUCKING BOBBY CURSE. OUR DOWN FALL STARTED WITH A LOSE AS A TOP 10 TEAM TO A BUM AND ITS ABOUT TO HAPPEN ALL OVER AGAIN!

There is that Razorback disappointment I have been waiting for. You hope they play well but the team decides to take the night off. Good job hogs thanks for the reminder that you always do this.

we look like hot dog water

Damn, I miss Petrino

Now we’re calling timeouts? I just don’t understand the clock management strategy at all.

If I never see a game on ESPN+ it will be too soon.

1. Make mashed potatoes
2. Insert…

How can you drop 8 into coverage and still leave guys wiiiiiide open?

YOU ARE FUCKING PATHETIC AND DESERVE TO LOSE. FUCKING P A T H E T I C

This has the potential to be a really depressing night or an average night. No inbetween

losing to bobby petrino would have been grounds for being banished from the SEC

Seen this story before and it doesn’t end well

FIRE EVERYONE INVOLVED NOW.

Briles is a pansy arse offensive coordinator. He has no balls. That will keep us from ever being great.

Soooo who is the one who sucks bitch ass boy?

Bobby Petrino > Kendal Briles Fuck his fake ass motorcycle wreck and that he bought pussy with company money, forget all that, and hire him as Offensive Coordinator

Bad playcalling, bad execution, and just too many self inflicted wounds.

I thought Petrino was goin to fuck us one more time

TORTILLA TOSSING U

pic.twitter.com/TGP146f0XM

— Texansfanburner (@texansfanburner) September 18, 2022

Great Defense, Bad Offense. Coach is a great guy. Clock operator was awful. Turns out Houston sucked.

don’t send a boy to do a man’s job, fool!

Maybe basketball or baseball will go well?

If, if and buts were candy and nuts, it would be Christmas all year.

I’m really just here to call out the disgusting amount of Texas Tech podcasts that exist right now. Someone needs to put an end to them

Amazing we only lost by 13. Felt like we lost by 25.

Wow…. this is the brain trust huh?

We literally lost because of mistakes we made, not because of good things they did. We are the definition of a bad team.

BONUS WHOLESOME MORMON MELTDOWN!

The Lord loves effort!

We pooped the bed. AGAIN

My condolences to BYU Football for not being able to repeat as Pac-12 champions this year.

going for the hard stuff, mtn dew!

There are times that it feels great to be a BYU fan… this is NOT one of those times.

Typical embarrassing loss. Just when I think we changed, they go right back to their old ways.

Ah yes another year another terrible defense

If you had Oregon as the team to out physical BYU’s Oline and Dline on your bingo card congrats you are a winner.

Sooo I guess this is what happens when you don’t play a schedule full of teams coming off a covid shortened season?

He told us we were three man deep at every position, which was just clearly a lie.

Appreciate you guys waste of my money coming up here to watch some kindergartners play. Absolutely pathetic

Dunno who these clowns in BYU uniforms are.

Thoughts and prayers for the social media folks who have to post something positive at moments like this

At least we got $1 Million bucks

COSMO has tears running down his soft plush face

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